When a soldier of the night's watch dies they say, "And now his watch is over." That's what they say when a comedian dies. They go, "And now his tour is done."

That is the most confusing and insane thing to me, when people get offended on behalf of another group.

I hate that when people are like, "Well, all dwarves know each other, right?" And you want to get mad, but you can't because we do.

I want to go to Australia so bad, do comedy there, and see the people there. It's a great country. I have friends that are Australian that have told me all about it. I want to do comedy there.

It takes a surprisingly large amount of intelligence to be a professional idiot.

The vast majority of people that have gotten mad at me for a joke that I've made were people that were, A, never going to see me in the first place, or, B, were dragged to see me by somebody else.

Comedian makes the statement that just isn't true.

I don't get to the global issues or anything like that. I am just trying to be silly.

People ask me a lot like, "Hey, so when are you done with your tour?" Like when I die. That's when I'm done with my tour.

Everyone's extremely and easily offended now.

It's very confusing to me why people take comedians so seriously.

We cannot walk alone. And as we walk, we must make the pledge that we shall always march ahead. We cannot turn back.

My heart is aching for the people of Nice, Italy. I am so sad that I have no words to express my frustration.

When I got out of prison, I was basically no longer human, ' Miriam says.

Thoughts in your head are really no different than the sound of a bird outside. It is just that you decide that they are more or less relevant.

You don't usually get treated unfairly. You usually get what you deserve.

The one thing I learned early on as a football player is people have their opinions, and I can't change them. But I can show them what they're missing.

I really liked it best when I was a nobody.

A leader who produces other leaders multiples their influences.

Software development, like professional sports, has a way of making thirty-year-old men feel decrepit.

The great difference between screen acting and theatre acting is that screen acting is about reacting - 75% of the time, great screen actors are great reactors.