When all the people covered in tattoos turn about 70 years old, they're going to look like a strange race of melting clowns.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

How you live your life is up to you. You have to go out and grab the world by the horns. Rope it before it ties you down and decides for you.

The highways of American cities are an enduring testimony to our acceptance of ugliness

As long as he doesn't convert it into action, it does not matter how much a man thinks about his repentance.

I was supposed to be a romancer, either wooing the leading lady or competing with the leading man for her.

I use the hook to carry coffee.

Giant agencies are wobbling like drunkards... the rest of you should be sharpening your knives.

We gon' float like a butterfly, sting like a bee. AH! Rumble, young man rumble! AH!

A true man does what he will, not what he must.

I find a face beautiful, good looking, attractive, and all the terms you want to use, once I know them.

Envy is blind. -Caeca invidia est