When asked to contribute ten dollars to a lawyer's funeral I said: "Here's fifty. Bury five of them."

A famous actor, Edmund Kean, on his deathbed, was reported to have said, "Dying is easy. Comedy is hard."

I sort of feel like Cindy Crawford's new husband on their wedding night. I know what's expected of me. I'm just not sure I've got the ability to make it interesting.

I'd like to introduce a man with a lot of charm, talent, and wit. Unfortunately, he couldn't be here tonight, so instead . . .

Enjoy how sweet, how thoughtful, how kind I'm being on your birthday. Because tomorrow it's back to the same old crap.

If the audience knows what's behind the door and the actor does not, that's comedy. If both the audience and the actor do not know, that's mystery!

I have a serious investment problem. I have no money.

One thing I can guarantee you. You may not be a great deal wiser from my talk today, but you will be a great deal older.

Enjoy how sweet how thoughtful how kind I'm being on your birthday. Because tomorrow it's back to the same old crap.

I'd like to introduce a man with a lot of charm talent and wit. Unfortunately he couldn't be here tonight so instead . . .

One thing I can guarantee you. You may not be a great deal wiser from my talk today but you will be a great deal older.

It is the passion that is in a kiss that gives to it its sweetness

My dad's been responsible for a lot of my issues.

The Jews are the living embodiment of the minority, the constant reminder of what duties societies owe their minorities, whoever they might be.

False judges are held up in the world's admiration and I alone know the true ones.

The academy is not paradise. But learning is a place where paradise can be created.

Lord of the Rings, I think, is far and away the most brilliantly done stuff.

There's so much plastic in this culture that vinyl leopard skin is becoming an endangered synthetic.

Wherever the ignorant triumphs, over there the greatest defeats are on the way!

I get freaked out by pills. Everyone I know is always like, "I'm just going to take a Valium or an Ambien on the plane." But I can't do any of that stuff - it scares me.

The only real people are the people who never existed.