When has stand-up comedy been kind to anyone? It goes after anyone who's the target. Comedy attacks, man.

I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.

I called a detox center - just to see how much it would cost: $13,000 for three weeks! My friends, if you can come up with thirteen grand, you don't have a problem yet.

There's no happy ending to cocaine. You either die, you go to jail, or else you run out.

Obviously I'm not a role model for impressionable youth.

Every generation has someone who steps outside the norm and offers a voice for the unspeakable attitudes of that time. I represent everything that's supposed to be wrong, everything that's forbidden.

It occurred to me that there wouldn't be world hunger, if you people would MOVE WHERE THE FOOD IS!!!

Real comedy doesn't just make people laugh and think, but makes them laugh and change.

If I get married again, I want a guy there with a drum to do rimshots during the vows.

Lick the alphabet. It makes you appear creative, it's an easy diagram to remember, it's like "aaaaa.... beeeee.... ceeee.

Folks, I've been straight for seventeen days... Not all in a row.

Never have children, only grandchildren.

In the Bible, the race of life is never considered from the viewpoint of speed... We are to run it with patience.

Evidence of harm is hard to come by.

Don't poets know it Better than others? God can't be always everywhere: and, so, Invented Mothers

I wouldn't want to disappoint my fans by doing anything exciting. You've got to stay true to your roots.

These are called the pious frauds of friendship.

Right after the tragedy, President Bush asked Americans to get on with their lives and we did.

No apology is equal to the task set before it.

Some people think that meditation takes time away from physical accomplishment. Taken to extremes, of course, that's true. Most people, however, find that meditation creates more time than it takes.

Make not Christ a liar in distrusting His promise.