When homeless people go camping, how do they know?

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

A firm ground helps kickstart a long leap of flight. So keep your foundation strong to rise high.

When you succeed, you become the professor of the world

We should not pretend to understand the world only by the intellect. The judgement of the intellect is only part of the truth.

I was one of the many horses pulling the wagon and couldn't escape left or right because of the will of the driver.

On that terrible day, a nation became a neighborhood. All Americans became New Yorkers.

Beware the horns of a bull, the heels of the horse, and the smile of an Englishman.

In the gain or loss of one race all the rest have equal claim.

I tried to log on to the Obamacare website today. I don't think I'm doing it right. I lost 300 bucks playing Texas Hold 'Em.

When did having a life become an event you had to schedule?

If you've been there, no explanation is necessary. If you haven't, none is adequate.