When it comes to my daughter, I'm a conservative. But when it comes to your daughter, I'm a liberal!

When a black person has no electricity, no water, they call it the ghetto. When white people have no electricity and no water, they call it camping.

I'm glad Hurricane Katrina happened. It taught us an important lesson: black people can't swim.

If you ain't laughing, you ain't living, baby.

Dee Dee Dee dosen't mean mentally retarded. It means stupid. This song goes out to all the stupid people out there. Your gonna find this song hilarious, and you don't even know it's about you.

I'll admit it, the Holocaust was definitely a bad thing, but do we really need Jewish people around? They have big noses. I said it! I said it!

When white people wear baggy clothing and speak gibberish they're homeless, when black people wear baggy clothing and speak gibberish they're called rappers.

Like my father I, too, was born in Central America - Nebraska.

I'll know America is in bad shape when Cubans in Miami get in the water and swim back to Cuba.

We celebrate Labor Day by not going to work?

My brain is very simple. Like when you break everything down. I see things in a simple way. And that simplicity for some reason becomes funny to other people because they don't look at it that way.

I have never voted in my life... I have always known and understood that the idiots are in a majority so it's certain they will win.

Beside me the monstrumologist murmured, "I believe I am in hell, therefore I am there.

The feeling of death is not as peaceful as they make it sound in movies and books. It was frightening and empty...I never want to feel it again.

I have to write and play. If I became an electrician tomorrow, I'd still come home at night and write songs.

You can't get rid of a part that makes you you and be happy.

I dont usually make political comments, because I am a businessman, not a politician.

Something will be offensive to someone in every book, so you've got to fight it.

If you insist on wearing gloves, make sure they match your purse.

Touring definitely makes you appreciate home more, so when I can be home, I like to stay home.

He was happily married - but his wife wasn't.