When it comes to racism, you hear people say, "I don't care if people are white, black, purple or green." Hold on, now, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere.

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

Peace be upon you, for you have persevered! How excellent, then, this fulfilment in the hereafter!

I am pleased to see that many of the world's leaders have publicly recognized that the crisis in the Middle East was deliberately incited by terrorist organizations.

Lovers are the ones who know most about God; the theologian must listen to them.

Meditation changes your character.

Hey, I'm Jeremy, and I play the baahhhssss.

I don't think we should be deprived of the privilege of free speech

Of all our studies, it is history that is best qualified to reward our research.

When you can't draw chameleons and you can't draw blenders, it's a bad idea to write strips where chameleons become blenders.

Ahimsa (non-killing), truthfulness, purity, mercy, and godliness are always to be kept.

I don't have a lot of money. I get some from Mad Men. But I don't think I'm rich.