When it comes to work, there are many who will stop at nothing.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

Men cannot give a meaning to history that they themselves lack, nor can they honor a past which indicts them for their present failures.

We should be wise in how we manage the little and then God can trust us with much

I guess it’s true: it’s difficult for men to understand women.

How....will I ever truly depict you?You’re perfect, my writing isn’t.

I'm a really bad liar.

Gene Kelly was a great dancer and I was lucky to be in 'Singin' in the Rain.' He was my teacher when I was 17 years old, when he was 37 years old. He taught me everything.

Had we taken ten sails, and let the eleventh to escape, being able to get at her, I could never have called it well done.

If it has to sell its mascot, your team sucks.

It's creating things that make enough money to create resources to generate new technologies to have those technologies to generate more resources so I can make more things happen.

I have one one type: Eva Lauren Tramell. That’s it.” I rolled my eyes. “Okay. Whatever.