When my car runs out of gas, I buy a new one. I don't want to ride around with a quitter.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

The principles of spiritual kingdom has been packaged in the written word of God

A century ago, people laughed at the notion that we were descended from monkeys. Today, the individuals most offended by that claim are the monkeys.

It is not the mountain we conquer but ourselves

Even before you get to self-driving vehicles, there's just a huge amount of positive things that happen to cities when you do ridesharing.

Why waste time trying to discover the truth, when you can so easily create it?

It's not just a revue where one song is done, then another. There are concepts and ideas at work.

A fluent writer always seems more talented than he is. To write well, one needs a natural felicity and an acquired difficulty.

This is not about creating a giant. It's about creating the sustainability of the steel industry.

We should tax things we don't like. We should tax pollution ... And we should lighten the taxes on things we do like, like honest labor, like food.

The world is grown so full of dissimulation and compliment, that men's words are hardly any signification of their thoughts.