When my car runs out of gas, I buy a new one. I don't want to ride around in a quitter.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

One does what one is

Be a true romantic. Always ruminate about the true beauty of life.

In religion faith does not spring out of feeling, but feeling out of faith. The less we feel the more we should trust. We cannot feel right till we have believed.

Your level of success will seldom exceed your level of personal development.

I'm not superman who saves both Earth and the girl.

But every single damn thing matters! Only we don't realize. We just tell ourselves that art runs on one track and life, our lives, on another, and we don't realize that's a lie.

My goal was to prove to my family I wasn't a dummy.

No one is an inventor in the fashion business. Designers recreate fashion.

There is no such thing as zero uncertainty.

A woman seldom comes out of a sullen spell until she's sure her husband has suffered as much as she thinks he should.