When my daughter was born she had jaundice, she was small, round and yellow. we called her Melony.

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that!

You know the animal that kills the most people in the world? The Hepatitis Bee.

About a month before he died, my grandfather, we covered his back full of lard - after that he went downhill very quickly.

As a child I watched Mary Poppins so many times I suffered from a condition with my sight. Umdiddleiddleiddleumdiddle Eye.

My grandfather invented the cold air balloon... But it never really took off.

I've just finished my book, I wrote it on penguins. Come to think of it, paper would have been better.

I hate sitting in traffic, because I always get run over.

I went out with this girl the other night, she wore this real slinky number...She looked great going down the stairs.

If you're depressed and called Morgan spend the first half of the day in Germany for some positive affirmation.

Most of my relatives are police marksmen, apart from my grandad who was a bank robber. He died recently, surrounded by his family.

He felt gladness roar through his soul.

Liberty for wolves is death to the lambs.

At the age of four with paper hats and wooden swords we're all Generals. Only some of us never grow out of it.

Let's give the conventions back to the politicians. If we think there's any news, we can tack it on afterward as commentary. But the conventions should be their show, not ours.

Whenever anything negative happens to you, there is a deep lesson concealed within it, although you may not see it at the time

Sting! I mean, come on - whoe doesn't love Sting? Even if you love Megadeath, you have respect for Sting. If you love Pokemon, you'll find out who Sting is someday.

Perhaps a man may commit suicide in self-defense.

The human heart likes a little disorder in its geometry.

I think sandals should be burnt. I hate them - purge them!

I wish I didn't have to perform 'Iron Man' every night.