When my girlfriend cooks dinner, I'm happy to do the dishes. Because I make her wash dishes when I take her to a restaurant.

My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.

People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.

Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: 'Not today, you bastards.'

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.

You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.

I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back I know.

I've got a long history of suicid in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.

I underestimated your laziness.” “It’s pronounced intelligence, Kirk.

The test of real and vigorous thinking, the thinking which ascertains truths instead of dreaming dreams, is successful application to practice.

You say you are disappointed with life. But maybe it is life that' is disappointed with you.

A kind heart speaks kind words.

Fame is what you have taken, / Character's what you give; / When to this truth you waken, / Then you begin to live.

I was able to truly immerse myself in the record-making process. I'm excited about music.

We like, we cherish, we are very, very fond of—but we never love again.

I've simplified much more in my writing. I say what I've got to say, not in metaphor.

Lisp is still #1 for key algorithmic techniques such as recursion and condescension.

Life is worth celebrating and worth living even though we're all headed to the same hole at the end of the day.