When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me. ... and no one showed up.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

If you have the guts to be yourself, other people'll pay your price.

I was with you at the beginning of your journey. It is right that I should follow you to its end.

The fiercest storm is taking place in some of our churches—the unbelief and disobedience of God’s Word.

I don’t shoot people with Korans. I’d like to, but I don’t.

Discovering a new explanation is inherently an act of creativity.

Just take your time - wave comes. Let the other guys go, catch another one.

In politics, as in life, we must above all things wish only for the attainable.

My whole life, meeting people is like a blind date, because I feel like they've already seen the video on me.

The sweetest smiles hold the darkest secrets.

But as a Scot with a lifelong love of Scotland and the arts, I believe the opportunity of independence is too good to miss. Simply put there is no more creative an act than creating a new nation.