When people come to my act any time after Thanksgiving, I usually say, You shouldn't be here. You should be shopping. Our economy depends on you! You should be out there buying stuff.'

All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.

MTV is to music as KFC is to chicken!

I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake.

There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice.

Donald Trump came out as a birther, which is Republican for, 'I'm running for president.'

Elected officials shouldn’t get to choose who gets to choose elected officials.

If a group of people - leaders - can convince a group of folk who barely have a pot to piss in that the rich shouldn't be taxed-- THAT is leadership!

When it comes to idiots, America's got more than its fair share. If idiots were energy, it would be a source that would never run out.

You can never put too much pork in your mouth as far as I'm concerned.

What I find most disturbing about Valentine's Day is, look, I get that you have to have a holiday of love, but in the height of flu season, it makes no sense.

Instead of getting the leaders we deserve, we can an abundance of ShitRollsDownhill Shovelers, ShitCatchers, and NewShitCreators.

Around them there was nothing but silence, as if all the world were holding its breath.

Mindful leadership keeps you cool and energetic in any situation, so that you can make the best possible decisions.

Maybe it's a little more pertinent now since the whole concept of evolution is being questioned by the know-nothing Republican right. Yes, maybe the play's a little more pertinent now.

Progress is a set of assumptions.

Period movies are just always a wonderful thing to work on.

It's getting almost so bad a colored man hasn't got any country.

We should never allow ourselves to be bullied by an either-or. There is often the possibility of something better than either of these two alternatives.

Men are not to be judged by their looks, habits, and appearances; but by the character of their lives and conversations, and by their works.

Nuclear arms is pretty scary because that could end the world. I'm more interested in that stuff than I am Bill Clinton. I mean, I think Bill Clinton is a good president.