When people come to see my stand-up, they get a chance to see my characters interact with each other.

I think free speech is probably the coolest thing we have in this country, and again, you can label it hate speech and dismiss it, and then you're allowed to censor it.

After years of begging, I got my parents to get me a little Craig tape recorder, a reel to reel. Then I started recording voices, or recording Jonathan Winters off television and stuff like that.

If I only ran when nothing hurt, I would never run.

That's why modern corporate movie making has become so laborious that comedians are kind of kicked out by 50.

You know, sometimes you can't just take an armadillo, put it in the barn, light it on fire and expect it to make licorice.

It's almost like he's started to sound even more exotic the more people started doing him. I don't know why, but there's just something about Al Gore that makes me laugh.

A mom and dad found an S&M magazine under their 10-year-old son's bed, and the dad said, 'Well, we sure can't spank him.'

If she were a President, she'd be Babe-raham Lincoln!

Am I not turtley enough for the Turtle Club? Turtle! Turtle!

I know it's a cliche, but the whole family is just whacked. I mean, we're all out of our minds. They're the funniest, most eccentric bizarre people I've ever met, my siblings.

Not by prayers alone will a captive be freed, but by another man’s prayers matched by his deeds.

Years later Lazar would recall questioning his mother as to who the people who shared his meals were. "Some are our relations, " was the response, "But all of them are our people.

There might be a million wrong people in your life, but when the right one comes everything looks dark.

I mean you ACRES of harm,' Dalrymple growled. 'Untold QUANTITIES of harm. I will visit a whole CONTINENT of harm upon you before we are through.

The great thing about being rich is, you can embrace practices that kill the poor - that's what socialism does.

I never met a man who thought his thinking was faulty.

[…] life is just the misery left between abortion and euthanasia […]

Many Things That Are True Are True Because You Believe Them.

When we are broken because of increased hardship, we simply have to trust in the goodness of God.

I will accept no commission that would tend to create a rivalry with Grant. I want him to hold what he has earned and got. I have all the rank I want.