When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

I'm a late-night guy.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

In school I was pretty quiet. Kinda shy until my junior year. But at home I was a freak.

Life is not a hotel. Life is a battlefield.

If you can't do what you really want to do, then do the next best thing!

In my hometown there is a pub named after me - The Frome Flyer on Jenson Avenue. How cool is that?!

according to the old joke, married people are often like little boys bathing, who cry with chattering teeth to the boys on the shore, 'Do come in, it's so warm' - it is not always warm.

You can't say, "I'm gonna make a hit movie." You're as dead as you could be.

A mortgaged home, an empty stomach and a ragged back know no party. We will live to write the epitaphs of the old parties: "Died of general debility, old age, and chronic falsehoods."

My mom fed us a million balls. Dad took us to tournaments. Couldn't have done it without them. We had a happy tennis family.

Very few opera singers in history have been able to cross into popular music.

When the reader hears strong echoes of his or her own life and beliefs, he or she is apt to become more invested in the story.

Joy:show joy & enjoy: then others will be joyful.