When people told the audience that [Sam Kinison] was good, he was accepted after that.

They say that if you're afraid of homosexuals, it means that deep down inside you're actually a homosexual yourself. That worries me because I'm afraid of dogs.

I don't know the difference between a hippie and a hipster but, it's fun to watch either one of them get beat up.

Yeah man, they call gambling a disease, but it's the only disease where you can win a bunch of money.

Note to self: no matter how bad life gets, there's always beer.

When I hear a guy lost a battle to cancer, that really did bother me, that that's a term. It implies that he failed and that somebody else that defeated cancer is heroic and courageous.

I'm thankful for women. I think women are more intelligent than men. Also, without women, there would be no cookies.

You know, with Hitler, the more I learn about that guy, the more I don't care for him.

You ever see 'The Dating Game'? That's a weird game show. The prize on that show: another contestant. Talk about cheap.

The first principle of solid wisdom is discretion, without it all the erudition of life is merely bagatelle.

I always told everybody the perfect joke would be where the setup and punch line were identical.

It’s degrading being routinely subjected to a battery of medical tests to ensure I continue to deserve a place in this new world.

To gain victory over the flesh was the purpose of fasting and celibacy, which denied the pleasures of this world for the sake of reward in the next.

...‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎‎never go to look on man till you have first looked on your God.

By cool, I don't mean cool. I mean vulnerable and a mess.

Doubt is a killer. You just have to know who you are and what you stand for.

Think on this doctrine, - that reasoning beings were created for one another's sake; that to be patient is a branch of justice, and that men sin without intending it.

He had only one vanity; he thought he could give advice better than any other person.

I believe that we respond most and best to work in any art form (and to other experience as well) if we are pluralistic, flexible, relative in our judgments, if we are electic.

God would not give us the same talent if what were right for men were wrong for women.

Iniesta is easily Spain's most complete player. He has everything.