When somebody says I wouldn't change a thing they're thinking of something they would change.

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

I'm a late-night guy.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

To contradict, even in little matters, is the supreme necessity of art today.

If you knew all about it, it wouldn't be the leading edge.

Even the one moment that you thought was your eternity fades out and is forgotten and dies.

Throughout history, religious wars have always been the most brutal and cruel and merciless.

Most days, I practice piano in the mornings and I spend the rest of the day painting.

One can write, think and pray exclusively of others; dreams are all egocentric.

If you didn't have some sense of idealism, then what is there to sustain you?

None are as offended as those who contrive offense.

Male supremacy is centered on the act of sexual intercourse, justified by heterosexual practice.

We should teach the foreigners and colonialists that Somalia cannot be led by other people and that the traitors who fled the country will never lead Somalia.