When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

Whole life is a search for beauty. But, when the beauty is found inside, the search ends and a beautiful journey begins.

(His WIFE, understanding everything, wants him to stay. MARVIN wants to go. Or MARVIN wants to stay. She wants him to go. Anyway, he's going.)

Do what you feel is right and good. There will always be haters and naysayers..and their problem..is just that..their problem!

I think it is a good thing that the Trinity is confusing If it weren't, we wouldn't have the desire to learn more.

With no fact as a referent, what is normative is purely a matter of preference.

A good Christian is a velvet-covered brick.

What I consider to be peace [is] a sustainable peace in which the majority of people on this planet have access to enough resources to live dignified lives.

For some reason, on that sparkling afternoon last week, I actually saw the coal that was passing by and it set me to thinking how important coal was to our everyday lives when I was a little boy.

Above all, be at ease, be as natural and spacious as possible. Slip quietly out of the noose of your habitual anxious self, release all grasping, and relax into your true nature.

There are three people in yourself - who people think you are, who you think you are, and who you really are.