When someone reaches middle age, people he knows begin to get put in charge of things, and knowing what he knows about the people who are being put in charge of things scares the hell out of him.

I never eat in a restaurant that's over a hundred feet off the ground and won't stand still.

Many Texas barbecue fanatics have a strong belief in the beneficial properties of accumulated grease.

The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.

The shelf life of the average trade book is somewhere between milk and yogurt.

As far as I'm concerned, 'whom' is a word that was invented to make everyone sound like a butler.

Perhaps we've time to have a look at the Number Thirty-One bus queue before we turn in.

I'm in favor of liberalizing immigration because of the effect it would have on restaurants. I'd let just about everybody in except the English.

Every good idea sooner or later degenerates into hard work.

Did you know that five out of three people have trouble with fractions.

I never did very well in math - I could never seem to persuade the teacher that I hadn't meant my answers literally.

Youth is to wander! Adult is to act! Age is to assimilate the beauty of thoughts.

You'll never know the the outcome unless you just go out there and just do it.

Jumping Jehoshaphat. O Holy Night.

To ensure the fairytale ends well, I will stand by her side until she trusts me.

I don't care if I'm beautiful; I don't care what I am on the outside. It isn't about the outside.

A broken heart is a very pleasant complaint for a man in London if he has a comfortable income.

Forgiveness isn't simply an option or a good idea; it is mandatory for our restorative process.

Dispel not, the happy delusions of children.

Everybody dies. There's nothing you can do about it. Whether you eat six almonds a day. Whether or not you believe in God.

My eight-year-old bought a bicycle with the money he saved by not smoking.