When something is 'new and improved', which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me . . they’re cramming for their final exam.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.

All the media and the politicians ever talk about is things that separate us, things that make us different from one another

Don’t just teach your children to read… Teach them to question what they read. Teach them to question everything.

In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.

There is a planet named Pluto, but we don't have one named Goofy. Goofy would be a good name for this planet. It certainly qualifies.

You are afraid to die, and you’re afraid to live. What a way to exist.

Tis the good reader that makes the good book.

No measure of time with you will be long enough, but we'll start with forever.

Some of you say religion makes people happy. So does laughing gas.

If God sends us on stony paths, He will provide us with strong shoes.

But I had not the strength nor the inclination to bandy words with a drunkard. What have you done when you have bested a fool?

Coal miners don't get coal miners' block.

Don't moan, don't whine, don't blame. Just get on with it.

As Al Franken has demonstrated, liberals give lousy talk radio.

An Englishman is never afraid of being laughed at. He just thinks the other fellow is a fool. But Americans still can't risk anybody laughing at them.