When the country goes temporarily to the dogs, cats must learn to be circumspect, walk on fences, sleep in trees, and have faith that all this woofing is not the last word.

Welcome to Lake Wobegon, where all the women are strong, all the men are good-looking, and all the children are above average.

Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car.

It was luxuries like air conditioning that brought down the Roman Empire. With air conditioning their windows were shut, they couldn't hear the barbarians coming.

Even in a time of elephantine vanity and greed, one never has to look far to see the campfires of gentle people.

A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.

Thank you, God, for this good life and forgive us if we do not love it enough.

The highlight of my childhood was making my brother laugh so hard that food came out of his nose.

Be well, do good work, and keep in touch.

Sometimes there is nothing you can do, and in those times, you must do something anyway.

Beauty isn't worth thinking about; what's important is your mind. You don't want a fifty-dollar haircut on a fifty-cent head. ~Garrison Keillor

What is that thing? It looks like a model of the human digestive tract made from broken beer bottles and sadness.

We live in a changing world, but we need to be reminded that the important things have not changed, and the important things will not change if we keep our priorities in proper order.

The most important phase of a child’s life was the beginning of it. He must be started right.

Christians worship a dead Jew on a stick

I think fashion is just part of my life and if it hadn't been fashion then it would have been something else.

Television news is a delicate balance of serving public good and private gain.

The more powerful the work, the more powerless the worker.

What people speak of as adventure is something nobody in his right mind would seek out, and it becomes romantic only when one is safely at home.

I try to distinguish my characters from each other.

Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeereereeeeees. I believe in miracles.