When the hell is Warren Moon going to retire? I mean, this guy is older than the cuneiform in Nebuchadnezzar's tomb.

Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch.

The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt.

Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese.

The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse.

We need anything politically important rationed out like Pez: small, sweet, and coming out of a funny, plastic head.

You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven.

Maybe democrats will eventually turn on Obamacare when they realize you might need a photo I.D. to participate in the program.

Xenophobia doesn't benefit anybody unless you're playing high-stakes Scrabble.

There is a chalk outline slowly being drawn around common sense and most people can't identify the victim.

It's foolish to be prejudiced. There are so many reasons to hate people on an individual basis.

Intellectual growth is when you surpass the barrier of puerility, puzzling people with your dazzling creativity.

Every man must do two things alone

Rich could play way better than Krupa.

It’s like a cotillion, this partners business, except with killing.” “So, exactly like a cotillion,” said Simon.

Hi, I'm a buck tooth and I like to be outside past the lips.

One of my goals is definitely break into film, and I want to do action movies as well.

Nuclear weapons elimination will make all states and their people safer. It is time to assert our right to live in a nuclear weapons free world.

I don't steal things. I'm rich.

I'm really interested in having a studio one day and being a filmmaker.

The course is playing the players instead of the players playing the course.