When the president decides something on Monday, he still believes it on Wednesday - no matter what happened Tuesday.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

The universe is a masterpiece painted by love's masterstrokes.

God prescribes the remedy for the ills of the human race. That remedy is personal faith and commitment to Jesus Christ. The remedy is to be born again.

There is something in the red of a raspberry pie that looks as good to a man as the red in a sheep looks to a wolf.

Yeah, I'm excited about it, my teammates are telling me to look at the basket, so that's what I'm trying to do.

The drying up a single tear has more, of honest fame, than shedding seas of gore.

Sustainability is living on nature's income rather than living on its capital.

I was not an easy kid.

If you have fairy blood, even in the tiniest degree, you must live close to Fairy Land, and eat a little fairy food, or else you will always be hungry.

Only think of two things - the report of the pistol and the tape. When you hear one, run like hell until you break the other.

I've only paid lip service to a spiritual life.