When the public starts classifying you as thoughtful, someone given to serious issues, you find yourself declassified as a humorist.

Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.

When a comic becomes enamored with his own views and foists them off on the public in a polemic way, he loses not only his sense of humor but his value as a humorist.

Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.

Talent alone won't make you a success. Neither will being in the right place at the right time, unless you are ready. The most important question is: 'Are your ready?'

Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.

Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead.

Some sad news from Australia... the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

Happiness is having a rare steak, a bottle of whiskey, and a dog to eat the rare steak.

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

Say No! Accept the burdens of revenge.

In life sometimes, in the universe, you have to close some doors to have others open.

I have always felt that if a man gives you a solid gold key to his door he is entitled to the courtesy of a visit.

Confidence is the purity of action produced by a mind free of doubt.

Anger can be an effective negotiating tool, but only as a calculated act, never as a reaction.

Black milk of daybreak we drink it at sundown.

I'd say that one area where my political views have remained unchanged is that, I am opposed to the government spying on everybody.

We need to accept the principle that sometimes poor people will die just because they are poor.

Animals have personalities like people and must be studied.

Philosophy is at once the most sublime and the most trivial of human pursuits.