When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the Actor's Orphanage - he shot both his parents and moved in.

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

A sense of humor is good for you. Have you ever heard of a laughing hyena with heart burn?

No one party can fool all of the people all of the time; that's why we have two parties

I always like to go to Washington D.C. It gives me a chance to visit my money.

My idea of Christmas, whether old-fashioned or modern, is very simple: loving others. Come to think of it, why do we have to wait for Christmas to do that?

I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful.

When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano.

The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's really pissed off.

The trees in Siberia are miles apart, that is why the dogs are so fast.

I don't do a lot of political jokes. Too many are getting elected.

Why should I even bother? What's the point, really?"He thought for a moment. "Who says there has to be a point?" he asked. "Or a reason. Maybe it's just something you have to do.

Choose your love, Love your choice.

Our beliefs are, however, often contrary to fact.

I don't believe any pair of people had been more removed physically from the rest of the world than we were.

His (Frank Sinatra) attention span was not long, shall we say.

Ethically, what one generation tolerates the next may treat as normal.

I thank you, God, in Heaven, for friends.

Working out, for me, is sort of a meditation.

The faster we go, the slower we need to be.

Writing and performing are to me what water and movement are to sharks.