[When told that her grandchild had her nose:] I didn't get this nose until I was thirty-four.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Do not deny the truth.

Yeah, well all I can say is that a half truth is a still a while lie, ain't it...

His gaze hits mine with the force of a battering ram. He looks… appalled. “I-I won’t do this. I can’t… be with you.

Gone - glimmering through the dream of things that were.

What I like doing these days is spending more time with coaches because I think it's important to work on yourself.

I have tried to keep memory alive... I have tried to fight those who would forget. Because if we forget, we are guilty, we are accomplices.

Those who enter the country illegally violate the law.

We are our own wicked gods with little 'g's' and big dicks, sadistic and constantly inflicting a slow demise.

If ye love me keep my commandments

I've seen many of my contemporaries become superstars, and the way fame and fortune starts to really affect the way they treat other people, and I think it's ugly.