When you are doing stand-up comedy, you are the writer, producer, director, sometimes bouncer.

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

I'm a late-night guy.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

The light of compassion opens the petals of the heart. When the petals of the heart unfold fragrance spreads across the valley.

Booze is flowing all unknowing; grandma downs a few, smiles and giggles happily enjoying her new brew.

I think the important point is the turning point in combining offense and defense in a reasonable way.

I regret the fact that Saddam [Hussein] didn't have weapons of mass destruction that we thought. I don't regret removing him from power.

Fight for life itself and everlasting freedom of the human spirit.

Mine were informal mentors. They were all in my working life.

Americans believe in the value of immigration. We are the most generous nation on earth to immigrants, allowing over one million people a year to come here legally.

I responded to the gravity of an invisible moon at my core, and I undertook journeys I had not expected to take.

I never felt at home in London, because people were constantly telling me I didn't belong here, so after a while, you tend to believe that.

It was about being able to dance like Cassidy did, as though no one was watching, as though the moment was infinite enough without needing to document its existence.