When you can laugh at yourself no one can ever make a fool of you.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Without God, right and wrong are just personal beliefs. Personal opinions. I think shoplifting is okay, you don’t.

Every peak and valley of your life has led you to deeper understanding and, ultimately, growing compassion.

Our thoughts and emotions strain our life force, drain our energy, carrying us away, cutting us from the people we are with and the beauty of places we are in.

Honor your joy today, whilst it replenishes and strengthens you - in the company of your Soul.

Every solution breeds new problems.

What works for the person you're imitating may not work for you.

Don't you hear people saying things you can't believe they're saying?

Coaching is an art and I'm not going to let anyone change me.

If you believe in peace it is possible. If it is possible it is a duty.

Caring, it turns out, is a competitive advantage, and one that takes effort, not money.