When you can spell subpoena without thinking about it, that's when you know you've made it.

I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.

Money can't buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it.

I would just like to say that after all these years of heavy drinking, bright lights and late nights, I still don't need glasses. I drink right out of the bottle.

If you subtracted all of the great artists who never drank, who never went to excess, you wouldn't have any more art left. What kind of poem are you gonna get out of a glass of iced tea?

The perfect woman has an IQ of 150, wants to make love until 4 in the morning, then turns into a pizza!

When I die, sprinkle my ashes over the 80's.

I'm not conceited. Conceit is a fault and I have no faults.

Remember, life is just a game and no one gets out alive

If you want to split a bottle with a friend, then Sammy Hagar is your guy. If you want to split your friend with a bottle than give me a call.

If you put a Van Halen album in your record collection, it will melt all the rest of your records.

Why should people pay good money to go out and see bad films when they can stay at home and see bad television for nothing?

Once again, I had that feeling of drowning when I hadn’t even known I was in the pool

The results are in great need greater ambition.

An Oscar is a total honor. It's thrilling, and on the one hand, it means a lot of things, and on the other hand, it doesn't really mean anything. It's a moment in time.

Comedians don't have a monopoly on suffering. But creative people are sometimes fortunate enough to be able to incorporate their most traumatic experiences into their art.

The only way we live beyond our lives is to connect and carve ourselves into the souls of those we love.

I didn't have the equipment for the regular world of being a lawyer. I didn't have the imagination for that. I did have a funny kind of ambition, but I didn't know where to put it.

After the economic 9/11, we will face a new world order.

Energy literacy means you can see the waste in disposing of a plastic bottle after you've drunk water from some place on the other side of the world.

Every 15, 20, 25 years, a new rock and roll record needs to come out and a new rock and roll band needs to come out.