When you don't have love, it's like there's a party going on, and everybody was invited, except for you. And you just happened to be walking by that house in the rain...

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

I'm a late-night guy.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

Think continally about what you want, not about the things you fear.

silence can sometimes save you. everything doesn’t warrant words.

Sleep is the multiplier of energy.

In their different ways, art and philosophy help us, in Schopenhauer's words, to turn pain into knowledge.

The person we believe ourselves to be will always act in a manner consistent with our self-image.

My God, how badly one calculates in this world! ... Let us leave off calculating on anything but death -- it is the only certainty.

I was 12 when my parents told me we were moving to Lebanon. I remember thinking, 'Leba-who?' I had absolutely no concept of the place.

Diplomacy is much more than just talking to your friends... You've got to talk to people who aren't our friends, and even people you dislike.

After winning Ascot's Queen Alexandra Stakes on Brown Jack- If you'd been on your honeymoon, you couldn't have had a happier time.

That's how it is with the English: if you score against them you're a good player; if you don't, you're not.