When you finally go back to your old home, you find it wasn't the old home you missed but your childhood.

Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don't turn up at all.

Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.

A man can please his wife with a box of candy, surprise her with a bouquet of flowers, and make her suspicious with a gold bracelet.

A man commented to his lunch companion: My wife had a funny dream last night. She dreamed she'd married a millionaire. You're lucky, sighed the companion. My wife dreams that in the daytime.

Nothing is as frustrating as arguing with someone who knows what he's talking about.

When you feel neglected, think of the female salmon, who lays 3,000,000 eggs but no one remembers her on Mother's Day.

It's not the hours you put in your work that counts, it's the work you put in the hours.

Success has a simple formula: do your best, and people may like it.

Computers are like bikinis. They save people a lot of guesswork.

If you lend someone 20 dollars and never see that person again, it's probably worth it.

Novels are food for the leftover hours of life, the in-between times, the moments of waiting.

May the Lord give us a new spirit and new heart

I'd always had a guilty preference for fiction. Since I seemed now to be living fiction, this proved to have been an entirely reasonable choice.

You may know how to do it, but you have to choose to do it.

Being this close to him was like sitting under a hotness heat lamp. In the desert. At high noon.

Everybody live like it's the last day you will ever see.

Ah, but the servant waits, while the master baits.

Until we learn to love others as ourselves, it's difficult to blame broken people who desperately try to affirm themselves when no one else will.

I hate waking up every morning to my alarm. I always bang my head on the steering wheel.

If I had my choice I would kill every reporter in the world, but I am sure we would be getting reports from Hell before breakfast.