When you first get married, they open the car door for you. Eighteen years now...once he opened the car door for me in the last four years - we were on the freeway at the time.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

All these are readers, and their gestures, their craft, the pleasure, the responsibility and the power they derive from reading, are common with mine. I am not alone.

I think it was my mom's attitude about art and being part of the narcissistic digital generation or whatever that made me think anyone would care what I had to say about anything!

I came to a stark realization: chronic surpluses could be almost as destabilizing as chronic deficits.

The Government may not suppress lawful speech as the means to suppress unlawful speech.

I was always brought up to have a cup of tea at halfway up a rock face.

To me the most important thing is getting into a studio and making an album that is 12 or 14 amazing songs, getting up onstage, and making people happy by livening the rock.

I've definitely always wanted to be the guy they tell, 'Here's the ball. Go do it.'

My family fulfills me.

It is only certain that there is nothing certain, and that nothing is more miserable or more proud than man.

What's good about talking about being victimized is that it is the beginning of being able to stop it.