When you get hit by a car sometimes your shoes will fly off, sometimes your pants will come off, but I was not fortunate enough to see the pants portion.

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

I'm a late-night guy.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

We ought to love one another at Christmas and every day of the year.

They call us monsters because it makes it easier to hurt us. Bus monsters are people too.

Friends are God's way of apologizing for your family.

It is important how people take you.

I know of nothing more valuable, when it comes to the all-important virtue of authenticity, than simply being who you are.

Pleasure, so called, is the murderer of serious thought. This is the age of excessive amusement. Everybody craves for it, like a babe for its rattle!

There is no other definition of socialism valid for us than that of the abolition of the exploitation of man by man.

I can't think of anyone I admire who isn't fuelled by self-doubt. It's an essential ingredient. It's the grit in the oyster.

The comfort of our peer-connections is reflected in our most honest and direct hand-holding. When we trip, they are the first ones to pull us back up.

I think that just talking about what guys shouldn’t do, we got to also make sure that you can do your part to do whatever you can do to make, to try to make sure it doesn’t happen.