When you go to a bar that has a black light, everybody looks cool. Except for me, because I was under the impression that the mustard stain came out.

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

Your emotions are the slaves to your thoughts, and you are the slave to your emotions.

Minds need the unusual, because the unusual has the power to shake the mind!

The Greatest Companionship you have is your Mind... Your Conscience Mind... The one which talks to you ! The only thing you need to make sure is that

You can't see other's point of view when you have only one language.

My friends are always honest with me about films. But I really wanted to talk to regular people and kind of have a forum to interact with them; not just about films, but about everything.

It is possible to make home a bit of heaven; indeed, I picture heaven to be a continuation of the ideal home

When I read something, I want to be surprised. So I read something and go, "Wow, I never, ever would have thought of playing this kind of role. This is exciting me, let's go do this."

And a flower, doesn't even know it's own beauty it's entire life. Sad, huh?

But, unfortunately, sometimes that affirmation creates a sense that you deserve special treatment and recognition in areas where you're not so talented.

When I was young, I was very technical about these things. I didn't like to admit to any intimate relation with what I was writing.