When you go to work, if your name is on the building, you're rich. If your name is on your desk, you're middle class. And if your name is on your shirt, you're poor.

Women say they want a man who knows what a woman's worth. That's a pimp.

The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will have materialized.

The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves.

Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank even when you are the only person in line.

As an American, I'd like to apologize - for everything.

The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

In Montana, a policeman will pull you over because he is lonely.

FOOVIEW (foo' view) n. The ability of a dog to inflict guilt from any angle in the room while he watches his master eat.

Manhandling the open here spout on a milk carton so badly that one has to resort to using the illegal side.

Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.

Jesus Christ says, 'Kill me and in 3 days, not only this temple, but all temples in the whole world will be out of business.' This is the most stunning thing any human being has ever said.

The woman I loved died because I did not love her enough - what greater sin is there than that?"(Uncle Chaim and Aunt Fifke and the Angel)

Fake a smile. No one knows you're broken.

Death is not fearful. What's fearful is giving up.

Belief in oneself is required for healing.

Words deserted him immediately. He could only speak when he was not asked to.

Fathers have a unique and irreplaceable role in the lives of children.

The only thing I don't like about acting is that it takes so much time away from my family. Otherwise, I don't have any complaints.

The only true conquests-those that awaken no regrets- are those obtained over our ignorance.

TLC should stand for Toddlers, Lunatics, and Cake.