When you're a father in a marriage, you sort of become the mother's assistant. And you sort of get a list from her every day and you run down the list and it feels very much like a chore.

When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don't get to decide that you didn't.

The greatest thing about having a child is putting yourself second in your own life. It's a massive gift to be able to say you're not the most important person to yourself.

I don't stop eating when I'm full. The meal isn't over when I'm full. It's over when I hate myself.

I have a lot of beliefs... and I live by none of them...

My kids used to love math. Now it makes them cry. Thanks standardized testing and common core!

When you have bacon in your mouth, it doesn't matter who's president.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime. Leave the dude alone and he'll figure it out.

Everything is amazing and nobody is happy

What happens after you die? Lot's of things happen after you die - they just don't involve you

One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December.

It's amazing to be a woman because even without children of your own, you can still be an excellent mother.

The E.U. has moved to combat global terrorism by instituting common European arrest and evidence warrants and creating a joint situation center to pool and analyze intelligence.

Furloughing a bunch of air traffic controllers has a pretty easy-to-predict effect on air travel: It causes delays.

Monotheism is in its turn doomed to subtract one more God and become atheism

Fun is the most important. If you do stuff for money, it never works out.

As long as I continue to breathe, as long as there's injustice in this world, I will use the voice that God has given me to speak against it.

I am going to enjoy life in Paris I know. It is so human and there is something noble in the city... It is a real city, old and fine and life plays in it for everybody to see.

Stand up! Keep your backs straight! Remember that this is where the wings grow.

You face challenges in your personal life and in your professional life. I continue to be relentlessly optimistic and not focus on the negative.

[We often] criticize the people on TV: 'He just can't act.' 'You call that singing?' ... We get jealous not because we're evil, but because we have little artists pent up inside us.