When you're doing stand-up, you want to stand onstage and, to the extent that you can, uncomplicatedly entertain.

You don't need people’s opinion on a fact. You might as well have a poll asking: ‘Which number is bigger, 15 or 5?’ or ‘Do owls exist?’ or ‘Are there hats?'

Drug companies are a bit like high school boyfriends - they're much more concerned with getting inside you than being effective once they're in there.

What a tiresome place America would be if freedom meant we all had to think alike or be the same color or wear the same gray flannel suit! That road leads to the conformity of the graveyard!

News is not a game show. You don't win a car if you happen to be right.

Economics is like the Dutch language - I'm told it makes sense, but I have my doubts.

One thing that America is objectively exceptional at is overreacting whenever anyone accuses them of not being exceptional.

The Confederate flag is one of those things that should only be seen on t-shirts, belt buckles and bumper stickers to help the rest of us identify the worst people in the world.

Anybody who claims to be excited for April Fools' Day is probably a sociopath.

Life is a short walk. There is so little time and so much living to achieve.

My fight is not for racial sameness but for racial equality and against racial prejudice and discrimination.

Idiots are of two kinds: those who try to be smart and those who think they are smart.

Suddenly I grasped what was happening- they were all trying to save me. I never thought I was worth saving.

Growth itself contains the germ of happiness.

It's nice to know you have support. Last night I got a marriage proposal. I just laughed.

I bent my head over a stove in my early 20s and picked it up in my 30s.

I believe scientists have a duty to share the excitement and pleasure of their work with the general public, and I enjoy the challenge of presenting difficult ideas in an understandable way.

Faced with crisis, the man of character falls back on himself. He imposes his own stamp of action, takes responsibility for it, makes it his own.

When your silent, people recognize your greatness.

A republican stands up in congress and says 'I GOT A REALLY BAD IDEA!!' and the democrat stands up after him and says 'AND I CAN MAKE IT SHITTIER!!

Reserve is the truest expression of respect towards those who are its objects.