When you're doing standup you're kind of doing, "Hey. I thought of this. This may be funny.

You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name -- and you've never been to that bar before.

I would start a revolution, but I just bought a hammock.

I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.

The word abbreviation sure is long for what it means.

If you read my blog, you know I'm a pilates freak. And by pilates, I mean waffles.

Tigers love pepper...they hate cinnamon.

Whether you are on the Right or the Left, everyone can agree that there are a lot of outside influences in American politics that are not good for the system. There's just too much money.

You know it's time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker.

I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cabdriver.

I have to stop crying when I watch "The View". It's not because of the topics at hand, I just feel sorry for that couch.

Jack laughed behind him, a mirthless sound from a man who had been on the wrong end of life's ironies too many times.

I clearly have done things that were wrong. I've clearly had to seek God's forgiveness.

Jem drew back from her, looking dazed. "By the Angel," he said. "Perhaps we do need a chaperon.

There is only laughing across the land as the car moves you along, on your way someplace with love in the car.

What does not destroy me, makes me stronger.

I have two daughters, it really means a lot to me to have two women standing now and being the PM.

The only thing worse for smoking than drinking is quitting drinking. Because then it's the only thing you can do.

The rewards that will flow from a successful shift to a low carbon economy are high. Neither governments nor business can afford to let these opportunities pass them by

Indulge me, John. Cynicism and foul language are the only vices I'm presently capable of. Everything else takes energy or money.

I am made and remade continually. Different people draw different words from me.