When you're hot, you're hot; when you're not, you're not.

You can't expect to hit the jackpot if you don't put a few nickels in the machine.

The cost of living is going up and the chance of living is going down.

Being a comedian is like being a con man. You have to make 'em like you before you can fool 'em.

Violence is a tool of the ignorant.

Funny is an attitude.

Get well cards have become so humorous that if you don't get sick you're missing half the fun.

My main point is to be funny; if I can slip a message in there, fine.

Don't order one for the road, because the road is already laid out.

My show is my statement. What I have to say is on the screen. My life is my own. I don't want to talk about my private self. Why should I?

I was number one in the ratings four times last year and twice this season. What could be more damn equal than that? If they get any more equal, I don't want it.

One wants to live, of course, indeed one only stays alive by virtue of the fear of death, but I think, as I thought then, that it is better to die violently and not too old.

As far as I’m concerned, the only thing sweeter than seeing a friend is that friend canceling on me.

A hotel room all to myself is my idea of a good time.

Jewish vampires: Crosses & holy water won’t hurt me whatcha gonna try next?

It is easy for me to put on a show and be cocky..but to express oneself honestly not lying to oneself, now that my friend is very hard to do

My fears are agitated to an extreme degree and the dread of death involves me in a stupor of chilling indisposition.

Where there is no difference, there is only indifference.

I cannot determine what people or nations should do, but I do think that extremism gives birth to following and subsequent extremism.

Theres something so grabbing about people who will do anything for one another.

I really enjoy the iPad because you can multi-task: I can watch a movie, read, look at pictures that I shot - because I'm into photography. It serves a lot of purposes for me.