When you're lecturing teenagers and they begin to hum and leave the room, you can sense there is hostility.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

To improve is to change, so to be perfect is to have changed often.

Change yourself, and others will follow.

I chose not to fight it. Eating them...is my revenge.

To encounter great moments, you must mostly be in motion!

We would not be enjoying those cellphones and those tablets at the price where they are had it not been for globalization, both in terms of trade and in terms of constant technological innovation.

The next best thing is to work with those who are not quite there yet to bring them up to that level.

I don’t understand why people take pictures of mimes. Everyone looks like a mime in a picture.

Some people play very, very well just so they won't get embarrassed.

We are striking it big in the electric light, better than my vivid imagination first conceived. Where this thing is going to stop Lord only knows.

Every time I get tested, I ask questions about it, and I watch how they do it.