When you're married with kids, you just think differently.

Blaming guns for killing people is like blaming pencils for bad spelling

Sometimes you've gotta wreck the truck to get the insurance money to make the payment on the truck.

I'm happier than a tornado in a trailer park.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

I had a buddy of mine call up the other day, all upset 'cause he slept with his third cousin. And I'm like, Man, if it upsets you that much, quit countin' them!

You learn a lot though when you have kids, I'll tell you what. Did you know when a baby poops its diapers, you're not supposed to hit him with a rolled-up newspaper?

I'm on the diet where you eat vegetables and drink wine. That's a good diet. I lost 10 pounds and my driver's license.

Every July, I look forward to taping a Christmas show - in July in Nashville. In 98-degree weather. I love it.

I ALWAYS HAVE DONE WELL HOWEVER IN BLUE STATES AND RED STATES. IVE NEVER REALLY ALIGNED MYSELF WITH ALL THAT RED STATE BLUE STATE DR. SUESS CRAP BECAUSE WERE ALL AMERICANS AND WE ALL LIKE TO LAUGH.

If you have a dream no one else can see, a reward awaits you that no one else can have.

Acceptance is the letter sealed within the envelope of inner peace. - Charmainism

It's not how I view being a salesman. It's how I live being a salesman.

How little those who are schoolgirls of today can realize what it was to be a schoolgirl in the fifties or the early sixties of the last century!

It behooves those who take the young to task to leave them room for excuse, lest they drive them to be hardened by too much rebuke.

A writer is in the broadest sense a spokesman of his community. Through him that community comes to know its heart. Without such knowledge, how long can it survive?

How precious you are in my life. I am forever grateful that God sent an angel to me. I love you most dearly.

Any fool can use a computer. Many do.

I beat myself off 17 times in one day. That's the worst beating I've ever handed out. I was so sore that it was hard to get that last load out.

True friends visit us in prosperity only when invited, but in adversity they come without invitation.