When you record something, you never know who's going to hear it.

I even went so far as to become a Southern Baptist for a while, until I realized that they didn't hold 'em under long enough.

Money can buy you a fine dog, but only love can make him wag his tail.

I admit I was drinking a Guinness... but I did not swallow.

And I think musicians can better run this state than politicians. And, hell, beauticians can better run the state than politicians.

Musicians can run this state better than politicians. We won't get a lot done in the mornings, but we'll work late and be honest.

Poly means more than one, and ticks are bloodsucking parasites.

Well, I just said that Jesus and I were both Jewish and that neither of us ever had a job, we never had a home, we never married and we traveled around the countryside irritating people.

I just want Texas to be number one in something other than executions, toll roads and property taxes.

When a stray animal crosses your path, it may be as close to God as you're going to get in this lifetime.

People may surprise you with unexpected kindness. Dogs have a depth of loyalty that often we seem unworthy of. But the love of a cat is a blessing, a privilege in this world.

Winning is an inside job. A person who achieves victory is the one that first wins his or her internal battles.

He’d never been shy, but he’d always been a little uncertain around girls. He just couldn’t believe they liked him.

We have so exalted a notion of the human soul that we cannot bear to be despised, or even not to be esteemed by it. Man, in fact, places all his happiness in this esteem.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

As I've gotten older I look like a man, finally.

True wealth is not what you have, it's what you're left with with when all you have is gone.

I always say 'Don't make plans, make options'.

You know you're old when you get a lifetime achievement award. It's a message you've been around too long.

I majored in Shakespearean studies at a very tiny school in Georgia.

Hungry people cannot be good at learning or producing anything, except perhaps violence.