When you see somebody walking down the street wearing a Superman t-shirt, you just want to shoot them in the chest ... when they start to bleed go, I guess not

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

I'm a late-night guy.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

Time to toss the dice

Somebody is observing my writings, I know that.That's one reason why I keep reading and writing.

You don't go into anything contemplating failure, because if you did, you wouldn't make it.

Speak up when you're supposed to, as opposed to trying to write prescriptions for the way people should live.

Let's have a moment of silence for all those Americans who are stuck in traffic on their way to the gym to ride the stationary bicycle.

Compassion is our deepest nature. It arises from our interconnection with all things.

There is no justice. There are occasional acts of vengeance, or regret, but there's no real justice. In the natural scheme of things, it is not possible.

Fidelity is seven-tenths of business success.

From beginning to end, the novel [Dissemblers] took about three and a half years to write. I didn't write it chronologically.

It was a counter-attack and I had to take him down. I don't regret it and I would do it again if I had to.