When your kid is being selfish or greedy and you want to help them not be that way, you have to find a way to articulate it and inspire them.

When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don't get to decide that you didn't.

The greatest thing about having a child is putting yourself second in your own life. It's a massive gift to be able to say you're not the most important person to yourself.

I don't stop eating when I'm full. The meal isn't over when I'm full. It's over when I hate myself.

I have a lot of beliefs... and I live by none of them...

My kids used to love math. Now it makes them cry. Thanks standardized testing and common core!

When you have bacon in your mouth, it doesn't matter who's president.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime. Leave the dude alone and he'll figure it out.

Everything is amazing and nobody is happy

What happens after you die? Lot's of things happen after you die - they just don't involve you

One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December.

It takes the whole of life to learn how to live, and--what will perhaps make you wonder more--it takes the whole of life to learn how to die.

As I start each day I have a blank canvas. I will make every effort to fill it with color.

I hoped and prayed that they would someday forgive me for leaving them. I hoped and prayed that I would someday forgive myself for leaving them.

Did you ever know that you're a jackass?

It ain't bragging if you can do it.

There is something very morbid about modern sympathy with pain.

So long as we love we serve; so long as we are loved by others, I would almost say that we are indispensable; and no man is useless while he has a friend.

My pets are very supportive, as they curl up in their beds underneath my desk.

Man's insulting God is not reversed by our insulting man.

Why do they call it proctology? Is it because analogy was already taken?