When your mother asks, 'Do you want a piece of advice?' it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

The magician stood erect, menacing the attackers with demons, metamorphoses, paralyzing ailments, and secret judo holds. Molly picked up a rock.

Gentlemen do not carry a cane or a hat? No gloves?”“Gentleman may still wear them, but I’m afraid the problem is that there aren’t many left.

And I think that's important, to know how the water's gone over the dam before you start to describe it. It helps to have been over the dam yourself.

All you needed was a couple of instruments and a few chords and you could be on an indie label.

From the beginning, I wanted to live my own life, and patiently I shored up that desire against wind and tide.

We've become a nation of con men, living by selling double glazing to each other.

I am not the first person to give birth naturally. Billions of other women have come before me and have done this - so why can't I do it?

We will always have war until there is enough of every essential to support all lives everywhere around earth.

There is no surer or more painful way to learn a rule than to be penalized once for breaking it.

I am for America because America is for the common people.