When your mother asks, "Do you want a piece of advice?" it's a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

It is a bad temper of mind that takes delight in opposition.

Mathematics rightly viewed possesses not only truth but supreme beauty.

Every now and then we're going to fail.

I'll be a nun, raise my daughter, and make albums.

It is better to forget about yourself altogether.

Fiction is socially meaningful.

You know when you hear the 22 suicides a day it's a big part of your question. But when you hear the 22 suicides a day that should never be.

You can't get rid of a part that makes you you and be happy.

I think yes is the most beautiful and necessary word in the English language.

The astronauts who came in with me in my astronaut class - my class had 29 men and 6 women - those men were all very used to working with women.