Whenever I do theaters, I don't like 'em. I don't think they're right for stand-up.

They say that if you're afraid of homosexuals, it means that deep down inside you're actually a homosexual yourself. That worries me because I'm afraid of dogs.

I don't know the difference between a hippie and a hipster but, it's fun to watch either one of them get beat up.

Yeah man, they call gambling a disease, but it's the only disease where you can win a bunch of money.

Note to self: no matter how bad life gets, there's always beer.

When I hear a guy lost a battle to cancer, that really did bother me, that that's a term. It implies that he failed and that somebody else that defeated cancer is heroic and courageous.

I'm thankful for women. I think women are more intelligent than men. Also, without women, there would be no cookies.

You know, with Hitler, the more I learn about that guy, the more I don't care for him.

You ever see 'The Dating Game'? That's a weird game show. The prize on that show: another contestant. Talk about cheap.

The first principle of solid wisdom is discretion, without it all the erudition of life is merely bagatelle.

I always told everybody the perfect joke would be where the setup and punch line were identical.

Hello, companion, " said Magnus.The monkey made a terrible sound, half snarl and half hiss."I begin to rather doubt the beauty of our friendship, " said Magnus.

Drug abuse is a medical disease that requires medical professionals.

Whatever colors you have in your mind, I'll show them to you and you'll see them shine.

Being sixty-five ... became a crossroads. We said, we have nothing to lose, so we can raise hell.

Epidemics of "bad" voice can kill your reputation overnight.

Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? ... Because if it had four doors, it would be a chicken sedan.

Vulgar and inactive minds confound familiarity with knowledge, and conceive themselves informed of the whole nature of things, when they are shown their form or told their use.

A new study shows that having a severe phobia can hasten aging. But what if my greatest fear IS aging?!?

I don't like to plan anything.

Today's minor irritations may become tomorrow's treasured memories. We often don't know what we are missing, until it's missing.