Whenever I investigate a smell, I find that the answer is always bad. It's never: 'What is that? *sniff* muffins!'

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.

The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

If you guys are interested in getting any kind of animal, definitely go and adopt.

Most people no longer live in nuclear families at all.

Good soldiers are defined by what they can endure, not by what they can inflict.

Enjoy when you can, and endure when you must.

What children can do with the assistance of others might be in some sense even more indicative of their mental development than what they can do alone

Volleyball was the hardest thing Ive ever had to do.

Newton, Einstein, and every other great scientist in history...They all made mistakes. Of course they did. They're human! Science is a way to keep from fooling ourselves and each other.

Metaphysics is a restaurant where they give you a thirty thousand page menu, and no food.

A thing may happen and be a total lie; another thing may not happen and be truer than the truth.