Whenever I walk off the golf course, I thank God that I'm able to tell a joke. I thank God I'm good at something.

Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You'll realize this as soon as they are born and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.

Having children is like living in a frat house - nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up.

That's when you know you're a true married couple: when you have to apologize for what you did in her dream.

The more I go through parenting, the more I say I owe my mother an apology.

Identical twins. I'm glad they're identical 'cause you save money on photographs. That's what I like. Yeah. Here's my little boy. I got another one just like it.

I married a saint - well, a saint who curses.

People think living in your parents' basement until you're twenty-nine is lame. But what they don't realize is that while you're there, you save money on rent, food, and dates.

If my father had hugged me even once, I'd be an accountant right now.

For the sake of your marriage, get a king-size bed. And if you really want to stay married, get two.

I'd rather be in Las Vegas 104 degrees than New York 90 degrees, you know why? Legalized prostitution. In any weather that takes the edge off.

Walking out into the night with a water fey was all kinds of stupid. Heck, Kelpies eat people. They may not play with their food as creatively as the Each Uisge, but dead is dead.

I never thought that someday men will also use an iPAD.

Simply switching to a healthy, plant-based diet can lessen stroke risk by reducing cholesterol and blood pressure, flooding your body with antioxidants and improving blood flow.

I have no friends, I only have accomplices now. On the other hand, my accomplices are more numerous than my friends: they are the human race.

A crucial question is how to balance surveillance with privacy and keeping Americans safe.

Those who control what young people are taught, and what they experience - what they see, hear, think, and believe - will determine the future course for the nation.

I'm not sure if it's fair to call it a "fairy tale," but I really loved Mulan, the Disney film. It was my favorite. I guess it's not really a fairy tale, but you do get Eddie Murphy as a dragon.

You know when you do 25 or 30 movies and people are still asking you how does it feel making the transition? you know youre not communicating correctly.

There was a sense of being taken on a journey by the grandmaster of the road trip. You feel this weird angel taking you somewhere. You don't know where, but you trust him.

Never sleep with anybody who has more problems than you do.